Denial, Obesity, and Parenting in America
As you likely know, I'm not a parent. I do work with children and their families around a lot of the issues I'm about to ramble on about, but I do not have my own children. So everything I am about to spout can be taken with a grain of salt by all of you parents out there. I do not profess to have experience in the practice of parenting.
I do, however, see a trend in the way Americans seem to parent their children. In grocery stores, shopping malls, city parks, and other public places, I see the current societal norm of parenting being carried out by many caregivers. It goes something like this:
Child: Mommy, I want those Skittles.
Mommy: Sweetheart, we are about to go home and have dinner.
Child: But I can still eat dinner.
Mommy: (distractedly digging for her wallet at the checkout) I said no.
Child: MOMMMMYYYYYYY! I WANT THE SKITTLES!
Mommy: (rolls her eyes at the checkout person as if to say "What can I do?") Fine, but save them until after dinner. (tosses the Skittles on the checkout belt)
Child: (grabs the Skittles, breaks them open, and eats the whole bag on the way to car)
In this scenario, it seems to me that the parent is just happy to have avoided confrontation. The thing is, avoiding this confrontation, failing to set a very simple boundary and keep it in place for something small like Skittles, is going to create havoc in the lives of both parent and child when it comes time to navigate larger issues. The problem is that changing from a lax version of parenting to a more structured one takes some major effort. The tantrums and anger directed at the parent will be twice that of a child who has had solid boundaries for his or her whole life. In my experience working with caregivers, this is a serious detriment. However, the good news is that the outrageous behavior of the child will dissipate greatly if the caregiver can continue to hold the boundary, to say "no" and mean it, for several weeks in a row.
I don't think that many caregivers realize that what children are asking for, when they act out, is a firm boundary. Children want to feel safe with their caregivers. They want to know that the person who is in charge is going to be in charge. If the child has control of the situation, as many do these days, that child feels insecure and unsafe and will continue to push until he or she finds a boundary.
Unfortunately, in my line of work, a boundary can sometimes mean violence. It can also mean irrational punishments or misguided anger on the part of the parent.
I have a theory about this non-confrontational form of parenting. Many parents are busier than past generations, yes, but I don't think that's the issue. I think the problem is that most parents want their children to like them all the time. They want to be the good guy. They don't want to have to fight about Skittles in the grocery store when they could be laughing with a happy, sugar-coated child in the backseat on the way home. Unfortunately, no one can like anyone else 100% of the time. And children have friends. They need their parents to be parents. That's not to say that parents can't be friends in addition to being the rule-makers and bedtime-enforcers.
I know many parents who do a smashing job of being both.
Now, about the obesity part of my title... I was at the climbing gym yesterday, and a group of about a dozen adolescents, likely ranging in age from 12-14, were all suited up in climbing harnesses, ready to climb. As I watched from the elliptical machine, they all took a belay safety class, and were set free in the gym. Every single one of the boys crowded immediately around the foosball table. The three girls in the group headed off to sit on the bleachers and chat. Now, I know that this is what adolescents do, so I'm not judging their unwillingness to climb. (However, the crotchety and indignant part of my brain is running a familiar track of "When I was a kid..." about their seeming disinterest in totally sanctioned climbing around time.)
Though the girls appeared to be in the average weight category for their age, all but two of the boys were overweight. Three of them were likely considered obese. I watched as one of the boys discovered that the gym sells Clif Bars, Odwalla juice, and... CANDY! He bought some M&Ms and some Skittles (he was the roundest of the bunch), and headed back to the foosball table. The other children saw his treasure and, one by one, headed in the direction of the food counter. Soon, there was a mob of pudgy adolescents carrying candy back to their mostly sedentary activity.
I know. I know. I'm old and jaded, but I couldn't help thinking that these kids were in a climbing gym eating pure corn syrup solids, standing around a foosball table, and barely looking up at the climbing walls around them. These are the same walls that beckon my inner child every time I set foot in the gym. I was disappointed and dismayed at not only their lack of exuberance, but also their deplorable physical condition. They were so fat that their mobility was limited and their normal childhood energy sapped.
So, I came home and looked up articles on childhood obesity. It's a hot topic these days. I ran across this article. According to the statistical citing, 34% of children in the USA are in the 85-95 percentile on the height/weight ratio scale. This category is called "At Risk of Overweight". The actual title of "Overweight" is reserved for children who are above the 95 percentile on the height/weight scale. A whopping 17% of children belong in the latter category.
The article presents the debate, which is currently happening, about whether or not to change the titles of those two categories. The proposed change would turn "At Risk of Overweight" into simply "Overweight", and the current title of "Overweight" into "Obese". This is in keeping with the adult categories for height/weight scales.
What struck me is that the people who oppose this change are primarily opposed to it because it "sounds ugly". They want to protect their children's feelings with politically correct prose, instead of protecting their children's health by telling them the truth. The sad part is that their children's physical and emotional well-being will suffer much greater attacks if they are allowed to continue to be overweight into adolescence and adulthood.
See how this ties back into my rant earlier? Someone needs to be the grown up. Someone needs to set boundaries and tell it straight. If not the parents, then whom?
I do, however, see a trend in the way Americans seem to parent their children. In grocery stores, shopping malls, city parks, and other public places, I see the current societal norm of parenting being carried out by many caregivers. It goes something like this:
Child: Mommy, I want those Skittles.
Mommy: Sweetheart, we are about to go home and have dinner.
Child: But I can still eat dinner.
Mommy: (distractedly digging for her wallet at the checkout) I said no.
Child: MOMMMMYYYYYYY! I WANT THE SKITTLES!
Mommy: (rolls her eyes at the checkout person as if to say "What can I do?") Fine, but save them until after dinner. (tosses the Skittles on the checkout belt)
Child: (grabs the Skittles, breaks them open, and eats the whole bag on the way to car)
In this scenario, it seems to me that the parent is just happy to have avoided confrontation. The thing is, avoiding this confrontation, failing to set a very simple boundary and keep it in place for something small like Skittles, is going to create havoc in the lives of both parent and child when it comes time to navigate larger issues. The problem is that changing from a lax version of parenting to a more structured one takes some major effort. The tantrums and anger directed at the parent will be twice that of a child who has had solid boundaries for his or her whole life. In my experience working with caregivers, this is a serious detriment. However, the good news is that the outrageous behavior of the child will dissipate greatly if the caregiver can continue to hold the boundary, to say "no" and mean it, for several weeks in a row.
I don't think that many caregivers realize that what children are asking for, when they act out, is a firm boundary. Children want to feel safe with their caregivers. They want to know that the person who is in charge is going to be in charge. If the child has control of the situation, as many do these days, that child feels insecure and unsafe and will continue to push until he or she finds a boundary.
Unfortunately, in my line of work, a boundary can sometimes mean violence. It can also mean irrational punishments or misguided anger on the part of the parent.
I have a theory about this non-confrontational form of parenting. Many parents are busier than past generations, yes, but I don't think that's the issue. I think the problem is that most parents want their children to like them all the time. They want to be the good guy. They don't want to have to fight about Skittles in the grocery store when they could be laughing with a happy, sugar-coated child in the backseat on the way home. Unfortunately, no one can like anyone else 100% of the time. And children have friends. They need their parents to be parents. That's not to say that parents can't be friends in addition to being the rule-makers and bedtime-enforcers.
I know many parents who do a smashing job of being both.
Now, about the obesity part of my title... I was at the climbing gym yesterday, and a group of about a dozen adolescents, likely ranging in age from 12-14, were all suited up in climbing harnesses, ready to climb. As I watched from the elliptical machine, they all took a belay safety class, and were set free in the gym. Every single one of the boys crowded immediately around the foosball table. The three girls in the group headed off to sit on the bleachers and chat. Now, I know that this is what adolescents do, so I'm not judging their unwillingness to climb. (However, the crotchety and indignant part of my brain is running a familiar track of "When I was a kid..." about their seeming disinterest in totally sanctioned climbing around time.)
Though the girls appeared to be in the average weight category for their age, all but two of the boys were overweight. Three of them were likely considered obese. I watched as one of the boys discovered that the gym sells Clif Bars, Odwalla juice, and... CANDY! He bought some M&Ms and some Skittles (he was the roundest of the bunch), and headed back to the foosball table. The other children saw his treasure and, one by one, headed in the direction of the food counter. Soon, there was a mob of pudgy adolescents carrying candy back to their mostly sedentary activity.
I know. I know. I'm old and jaded, but I couldn't help thinking that these kids were in a climbing gym eating pure corn syrup solids, standing around a foosball table, and barely looking up at the climbing walls around them. These are the same walls that beckon my inner child every time I set foot in the gym. I was disappointed and dismayed at not only their lack of exuberance, but also their deplorable physical condition. They were so fat that their mobility was limited and their normal childhood energy sapped.
So, I came home and looked up articles on childhood obesity. It's a hot topic these days. I ran across this article. According to the statistical citing, 34% of children in the USA are in the 85-95 percentile on the height/weight ratio scale. This category is called "At Risk of Overweight". The actual title of "Overweight" is reserved for children who are above the 95 percentile on the height/weight scale. A whopping 17% of children belong in the latter category.
The article presents the debate, which is currently happening, about whether or not to change the titles of those two categories. The proposed change would turn "At Risk of Overweight" into simply "Overweight", and the current title of "Overweight" into "Obese". This is in keeping with the adult categories for height/weight scales.
What struck me is that the people who oppose this change are primarily opposed to it because it "sounds ugly". They want to protect their children's feelings with politically correct prose, instead of protecting their children's health by telling them the truth. The sad part is that their children's physical and emotional well-being will suffer much greater attacks if they are allowed to continue to be overweight into adolescence and adulthood.
See how this ties back into my rant earlier? Someone needs to be the grown up. Someone needs to set boundaries and tell it straight. If not the parents, then whom?
posted by Bert at 5:36 PM
2 Comments:
The thing with giving in to confrontation is, I never imagined how MANY confrontations there would be in any given day. And how tired I would get of the screaming, lately the head banging, and the constant struggle. The thing you don't know when you see a parent in public is what already happened today. Is this the millionth confrontation and only the second time she's given in? If so, bravo. Of course, it's probably not, especially since her kid is so easily manipulating her at an obviously older age than my kid. But still -- I have to admit that I thought good parenting sounded really easy because I thought it was all about making good decisions. I had no idea how much stamina and emotional control it would call for, and some days, I just don't got it for the duration.
That, my dear, is why I listed you under "parents who do a smashing job". See the link above. Watching you parent the Nut-head has been an amazing experience. If I'm ever lucky enough to have a child, I hope to do as fantastic a job as you do. :)
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